Sorry not sorry

November 4, 2016

 

This entry won't have much of a flow to it. . . My brain is scattered and I can't seem to hold onto one specific subject to rant about. I would normally apologize about that, but I'm trying to break the habit of continually saying, "Sorry" when, in actuality, there's nothing to be sorry about. Like:

 

*Sorry I don't have anything planned for choreography today-- no I'm not. It's actually pretty intentional that I decided to sleep, get chores done, take a hot shower & eat properly before coming to class. I'm in a clear head space and therefore able to create new, organic movement on you, instead of repeating the same 5 moves over and over again. 

*Sorry I'm late-- am I though? Ok, I kind of am; I hate being late. But things like train malfunctions, traffic jams & ignorant humans who can't walk properly in the city sometimes get in the way of my being on time. The train, the traffic and the slowpokes should be telling you they're sorry, not me! 

*Sorry I'm so tired/ Sorry I can't make it/ Sorry I look like this-- all fall under the same category of "well, honestly. . . I SHOULD be this tired, I SHOULD stay home and rest and I SHOULD look like this after traveling, working, moving/intense physical activity, talking/teaching for 40+ hours a week. I find myself often wondering "if I'm this frazzled now, how will I handle my life when I have children?!?!?" & can immediately imagine the massive puddle that will be me, when my life takes that turn. To be fair though, I have been trying to look like a civilized human lately because it does make me feel better lol

*Sorry for my thoughts/opinions-- anytime I've ever apologized to someone for the way I have felt, or about my honest opinion on something, I...at this very moment...take it back! I'll always apologize if I've said something to hurt a relationship, or someone I love. . . Because that's not cool. But I am certainly not sorry for releasing how passionate I can be about things. It's who and how I am. We can agree to disagree on anything you'd like. 

 

That all being said, it's been uncharacteristic of me to be as introverted as I have been this week. And it's not even that anything specific has happened; I'm just BLAH! Curling up on the couch and being a useless blob has seemed more intriguing to me than anything else going on. And I haven't put any less effort into my daily happenings because of these feelings, which is a good sign! But I'm definitely in a "quiet, mindful, let me curl up and watch tv without any interruptions for 48 hours" mood. I seem to have uprooted deep-seeded judgments of myself lately, and therefore have not felt as open or confident in any aspect of my actually WONDERFUL life. 

 

 Hoping there's a lighter, more positive shift headed my way :) 

 

That's my rant for now. Sorry NOT sorry.

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